collection of sweaters.

meganamram:

Lose fifteen pounds from your problem areas (hips, fifth and fourteenth space-boobs, vestigial face)

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Spend more time with your government-rationed .452 of a son or daughter

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Take the family on a trip to www.nature.com

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Volunteer at your local chapter of the White People Remembrance League (white people have been extinct since 2021, you are an exotic mixture of brown and Asian and Roomba)

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Read the Bible, especially the part that is a novelization of “We Bought A Zoo 624: Zoo-n Yi Previn,” which is all the parts

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Pray to the Mother Goddess Zooey Deschanel, who first displayed her omnipotent god powers at the 2014 People’s Choice Awards by renewing “19 Kids And Counting” for 998 more seasons

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Watch less TV, even though “5,731,476,425,736 Kids And Counting” is SO good

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Learn moon-French

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Write a screenplay called “We Bought A Zoo 625: We Bought A Zoo-ey Deschanel”

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Vote for “5,731,476,425,736 Kids And Counting” in the 3012 People’s Choice Awards for “Best Show Where A Human Lady is Basically A Spider’s Egg Sac With Stretch Marks”

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Vote for “Zooey Deschanel” in the 3012 People’s Choice Awards as “Best Deity,” “Only Deity,” and “~*~Kewlest~*~ Bangs”

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Buy a new Moon Bounce (here on the moon we just call them “Bounces”)

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Get promoted from “slave to Zooey Deschanel” to “human sacrifice to Zooey Deschanel” (lateral promotion)

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Organize your space-boobs by type (normal, space, brown, formal, or Chicago-style)

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Be all like, “how is it the future and they STILL haven’t invented flying cars” (am I right ladies!!!!!!)

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Kill Dick Clark

nonsensereport:

welcome, my friends, to college.

                   About a week ago, I received a postcard in the mail saying that all incoming UF freshmen were REQUIRED to attend a convocation meeting called “Navigating the Swamp” on Friday, 21 August, at 9:30 AM on campus. It implied that students were expected to have read the school’s common reading novel, The Devil’s Highway, for the event. To my uttermost frustration, this meant I would need to leave home to return to Gainesville for good on Thursday morning instead of Saturday as I would’ve preferred. I’d be losing two very valuable days in my summer JUST to attend one ceremony. I called a phone number listed with the rest of the information and asked the secretary what would happen if one were to hypothetically miss the meeting. She said that each individual college would take strict attendance of all students, and the consequences of not attending were either writing a five-page paper on The Devil’s Highway (which I hadn’t read) or several days of community service. Highly irritated but not wanting to face the punishments, I reluctantly and belligerently left two days early.

                                The convocation was this morning. It was held in a basketball arena and was designed to resemble a graduation, complete with “Pomp and Circumstance” playing in the background for absolutely no reason. There were to be two halves to the ceremony: an introduction with speeches by various staff and a panel discussion about The Devil’s Highway. Rumor had it that every student would have to answer questions about the book in the latter half. 

                               As expected, the speeches by the staff proved to be the most pointless, time-wasting addresses I’ve ever heard at this school. Deans of various colleges took turns introducing themselves and repeating the same nonsensical banter every minute. The phrases “You are working to achieve a standard of excellence,” “College is full of opportunities to grow in both body and mind,” and “We are proud to welcome you future leaders of the world” darted around like wildfire. Actually, I can’t even remember any exact phrases despite my paying utmost attention; those were just approximations. That’s how STUPID the whole thing was. We were even asked to attach small UF-themed pins to our neighbors’ respective “lapels” to SOMEHOW show a sense of belonging and pride to the class. Then, various television screens around the arena projected live video of people in the room doing that (against their will and without their permission).

                             Finally, after HOURS of being warmly welcomed to the point of nausea by every dean, professor, and janitor in the whole university, the proceedings moved on to the book discussion period. Most students left the arena to be split up in various groups for the discussion, but my college just happened to be the one to remain there. After all settled once again, there were still THOUSANDS of students there with me— FAR too many to ever be tested individually.

                            I thought perhaps this portion of the ceremony would be interesting, as the author of the common reading novel was actually present and eager to talk and answer questions about his book. DON’T EVER TRUST ME ON ANYTHING AGAIN. THIS SECOND HALF, WHICH TOOK -LITERALLY- HOURS, WAS THE MOST BORING EVENT EVER TO TAKE PLACE IN THE COSMOS. Five different adults, including the author himself, sat in a row onstage as a “panel.” There, they talked for HOURS AND HOURS about ABSOLUTE NONSENSE and tried desperately to disguise it as material related to the book’s theme of illegal immigration. Picture the television network C-SPAN. This event was like sitting in for a live taping of C-SPAN for HOURS. Did I mention how many HOURS this went on?! 

                            I wish I could comment on exactly what was said by each panel member, but the whole thing was SO boring that I couldn’t remember their words if I tried. I do remember that the author kept trying to sound like a hotshot by dropping names of politicians he’d worked with every two seconds. After what seemed like several eternities, it appeared as though the monstrosity was finally over. BUT IT WAS NOT, OF COURSE. The panel invited students to come up and present questions for the author, and about a DOZEN students did! Instead of answering their questions normally, the author used his speaking time to brag even more. Each question took over ten minutes to answer.

                            At this point I could no longer take it, so a few friends joined me in walking around the arena near the exit. There, we asked a woman in charge if attendance was still going to be taken as they had said. She said that they were, in the form of us writing and signing our names on dumb slips of paper to be put into large plastic bins. So, if my name is common enough to be shared in both first and last by another student, there would be NO way of identifying who’s whom… IDIOTS.

                           Desperately tired and hungry, my friends and I returned to our seats to make noises, call out obscenities and doze off as obnoxiously as possible in revolt to the nonsense before us. FINALLY—- FINALLY—- FINALLY—- AFTER LONG LAST, THE ABOMINATION WAS OVER. Students darted like madmen for the exits. A friend of mine stopped to make sure that the slips of the paper were really the method by which attendance was to be taken. He asked a student helper who said, “You were supposed to send a text message or something.”

                           WHAT!?!!?! “You were supposed to send a text message OR SOMETHING?!?!” What is this absolute insanity?!?!!? Send a text message to WHAT!?! What if I don’t have a texting plan or a cell phone at all!?! Fittingly, my own cell phone had died the day before and I really could not comply with the LIES this dumb girl told. Luckily, she seemed to abandon her response almost immediately, because when my friend asked for clarification, she said, “I don’t know. Don’t worry about it.”

                           So, when all was said and done, I had spent YEARS listening to useless speech after useless speech. I LEFT MIAMI TWO DAYS EARLY AGAINST MY WILL SOLELY FOR THIS ABSOLUTE GARBAGE MEETING AND GOT LESS THAN NOTHING OUT OF IT. I AM TOO ENRAGED TO EVEN CONCLUDE THIS RIDICULOUS HATE SPEECH ANY FURTHER.

I know everyone at the University of Florida remembers this vividly.

For those of you who read my blog, my life has been actually pretty sensible lately (!!!), but I’m giving you three brand spankin’ new entries today, including a special New Year’s long lost story! I might add a fourth that has been on my mind if I get around to it. Enjoy!

Also, don’t forget to follow the new, still upcoming nonsense report on tumblr, at www.nonsensereport.tumblr.com

THANKS